put the responsibility of your happiness where it belongs…with you

What is the difference between saying “I feel hurt” rather than saying “You hurt me”. When you say the former…you are not blaming or attacking your partner. You are simply providing information. When one person expresses his or her feelings, they provide information to another. All we can do is provide information to another person. The rest is up to them. Thus, the more we value a person or a relationship, not only the more interested we are in their feelings, but the more likely we are to make changes voluntarily, without feeling forced, or coerced. Part of the value of clearly identifying your feelings, if not the primary value, is to help you decide when it is time for you to make a change. This change may take many forms, but the point is to take primary responsibility for taking care of your own feeling. Ask "what would help me feel better that I can do" rather than thinking in terms of what someone else could do. Thus it is necessary to assume responsibility and ask for help, rather than expect or demand your partner do anything to help you feel better. Learn to change your demands into preferences. Accepting responsibility releases resentment.

When one person is shouting, angry or walks away, they are most in need.

People's feelings can change quickly. Expecting consistency will lead to disappointment. Instead, try to accept feelings at each moment.

Disappointment can be avoided by having no expectations, or by at least not having unrealistic ones. Remember you create the disappointment more than the other person.

You are primarily responsible for your feelings of resentment and bitterness, not your partner.

Define your terms, for example, respect, support, listening, and friendship. Discuss how you each believe love is shown. Agree on a method for resolving conflicts. Discuss the concept of punishment- for example, withholding communication, changing plans to hurt the other person. Find out if your partner uses punishment when they are hurt. Find out what your partner does when they don't get what they want. How they resolve problems. Find out whether they have bitterness from past relationships; how they felt with their parents. The fewer unmet emotional needs (UEN's) we have, the more we are able to be interested in our partner's feelings. If I am very needy, for example, I am only thinking of, because I am feeling the pain of, my own unmet emotional needs. It is unlikely I will be able to feel much empathy for my partner when I am hurting myself, since taking care of one's own pain is fundamental to the survival of the species. In evolutionary terms, individual sacrifice seems to make sense only in extreme situations, where life or death of another person or the group is at stake.

Whoever needs the relationship most has the least power in it. Do not depend on your partner for your happiness. Remember that happiness is something you bring into a relationship more than something you get out of it. Be sure you don't confuse loving someone with needing them. Need is based on insecurity and dependency. When you need someone, you believe you can't live without them. When you love someone, you can be happy alone and you can continue to love them even after you are no longer romantic partners.

People don't fight about real issues but about symptoms of their inability to work things out. It is healthy to be sensitive. What is unhealthy is to feel insecure and to be insecure. The secure, sensitive person can feel something and express their feelings without fear of rejection and abandonment. The more sensitive one is, the sooner one can feel it and express it. This has the potential of averting major conflicts down the road.

Stick to the issue. Don't fight old battles or draw in other people.

Don't react passively. Everybody needs feedback. But I would say try to limit your feedback to your feelings and a brief explanation of them, and I would add: Don't label the other person and don’t use general terms…like always..never…be specific about incidents…

Once begun, don't leave the room, except to calm down or take a needed break until you have reached some agreements and you both feel better. [I would say: Try to listen to the other person for as long as it takes till they feel fully expressed, but be aware of your own feelings and take a break if you need it, while giving assurance you will return. Also, don't pressure the other person into continuing the discussion when they have made it clear they need a break. Respect each other's feelings and boundaries during the process. Try to reach compromises, without feeling sacrificial.]

Try to keep a sense of humor, for comic relief, but don't joke around if the other person isn't smiling. [Remember though it is easy to invalidate with humor, even when completely unintentional- especially if other person is feeling hurt, insecure, inadequate, defensive, needy, etc.]

Don't tease, mock, or ridicule the other person (i.e. don't invalidate!!) Find things to agree on, even if you can only agree that you disagree.

Most importantly…put the responsibility of your happiness where it belongs…with you!!!

If you believe that the answer to your happiness lies in someone else’s hands you’re in for a lot of trouble!!! Even if they manage to accommodate you with occasional changes, you’ll come to rely on those for your continued happiness. Eventually you’ll be let down and you will be left feeling discouraged and left feeling helpless and dependent! I’m not saying that our parent’s actions don’t affect us or that you wont be upset if your girlfriend or boyfriend left you by choice or circumstance. When your life isn’t working, you need to make changes to see things differently. There isn’t a relationship good enough to do it for you. This is a very empowering insight. In fact you are making a statement to yourself that while your relationships are a priority, you have the power and the ability to make yourself happy. This means that you are okay when things around you aren’t going so well or when people prove to be human.

You are also taking a great deal of pressure off them, by communicating that you can make mistakes, or that you don’t have to pretend to be in a certain way when you’re with me. When you take responsibility for your happiness, you open the door to new kinds of relationships based on honesty ,responsibility and courage.

Sometimes.... just listen!!!

Beliefs can be debatable. Feelings are not. Therefore Feelings at most times unite us more than beliefs. We still often indulge in ‘scene stealing’, advising, sending solutions, correcting, grabbing their arm and shaking it when you want your partner to listen, shouting their name over and over again when they are silent.

Be with them in silence. Reach out and intertwine your hand in theirs. Show them that you are there, waiting patiently. Give them time to speak when they are ready. Figure out the reason for their inability to speak. If they are weak and they fall on the ground while talking…don’t ask them to rise…don’t ask them to stop crying. Don’t quip… "We all feel alone sometimes, but ..." because nobody is like them. Our life experiences are unique…they may be similar not the same. Offer a hug.

The best listeners focus on feelings, not facts. When you tell someone that they should not feel the way they do, you are invalidating their feelings. When you try to solve the problem of someone who needs to be heard, they end up feeling underestimated, disempowered, offended, pressured, and controlled. Don’t offer solutions. Just Listen! When they ask you to listen, they may be faltering or depressed but it doesn’t mean they are feeble or helpless. Once you accept the way they feel, they don't need to spend their time and energy trying to defend themselves or convince you, and they can focus on figuring out why they feel the way they do and what they can do about it. The emphasis should be on ending the isolation in the feeling..in the pain. What you think are "irrational feelings" always make sense if you take time to listen and understand your partner. There are some things behind a thin gauze, waiting to emerge. There may be questions grappling for anwers, timid hopes, pain and remorse and apprehension, which is difficult to share. The gleam of a smile, look of pain, occasional nods, eye contact ..can convey more than words. So its essential that you respect the others freedom and encourage without rushing. Understand that some things may never be brought to light
but others may emerge if given time.

crazy lil thing called love

Plethora of definitions of love can be found in some of the mushiest numbers by some of the most popular boy bands. Manifestations of popular culture have succinctly testified that most people enter into romantic relationships as a gratifying assurance of their own worth.

It would be difficult to present a typical picture of love or a long-standing relationship, but according to social psychology it is made up of 3 components-intimacy, passion, commitment. Most of the short-term relationships are based entirely on passion. Friendship is what endures when passion wanes. I have come across few people who understand the importance of conversations, of communication. I believe that the best foreplay is of the verbal kind!!!

I have seen people walk into disasters for relationships (I have done that myself) when they get into them for all the wrong reasons. Self-analysis should be the important step for the person on the brink of a relationship. Love is when someone fits in what you know of yourself. Thus love begins with accepting yourself after which you can accept your loved one. It would be unfair to twist a person you love with your own image; otherwise you only love the reflection of yourself that you find in them. If there is mutual acceptance then you don’t have to endow your partner with something he does not possess. You don’t have to delude yourself into seeing in this loved person an ideal perfection you have never been able to realize within yourself. You are less concerned with appearances. A relationship is definitely about a few sacrifices but it is not about a surrender of selfhood. Love cannot really be love if it drains one person to nourish another. Love is not an all giving or all taking relationship. It is about sharing, sharing dreams, sharing the small pleasures and pains of everyday lives.

Love is not always an all-consuming response like slipping over a banana peel. It does have its high points. But happiness in love would be an attainable goal if you consider love as a peaceful coexistence, an experience where your uniqueness is appreciated as a separate self. It is friendship at its best. Love is when you find someone inexhaustible.

Its not like Im a pro at relationships….but in my next few blogs…I intend to radiate some of my psycho gyaan on relationships !!! My attempt at challenging stereotypes!! It is not easy to change life-long habits and to 'recondition' yourself to react in more emotionally intelligent ways .the new ways get easier with time and practice and I consider myself living proof that one can make major changes in their lives.