put the responsibility of your happiness where it belongs…with you

What is the difference between saying “I feel hurt” rather than saying “You hurt me”. When you say the former…you are not blaming or attacking your partner. You are simply providing information. When one person expresses his or her feelings, they provide information to another. All we can do is provide information to another person. The rest is up to them. Thus, the more we value a person or a relationship, not only the more interested we are in their feelings, but the more likely we are to make changes voluntarily, without feeling forced, or coerced. Part of the value of clearly identifying your feelings, if not the primary value, is to help you decide when it is time for you to make a change. This change may take many forms, but the point is to take primary responsibility for taking care of your own feeling. Ask "what would help me feel better that I can do" rather than thinking in terms of what someone else could do. Thus it is necessary to assume responsibility and ask for help, rather than expect or demand your partner do anything to help you feel better. Learn to change your demands into preferences. Accepting responsibility releases resentment.

When one person is shouting, angry or walks away, they are most in need.

People's feelings can change quickly. Expecting consistency will lead to disappointment. Instead, try to accept feelings at each moment.

Disappointment can be avoided by having no expectations, or by at least not having unrealistic ones. Remember you create the disappointment more than the other person.

You are primarily responsible for your feelings of resentment and bitterness, not your partner.

Define your terms, for example, respect, support, listening, and friendship. Discuss how you each believe love is shown. Agree on a method for resolving conflicts. Discuss the concept of punishment- for example, withholding communication, changing plans to hurt the other person. Find out if your partner uses punishment when they are hurt. Find out what your partner does when they don't get what they want. How they resolve problems. Find out whether they have bitterness from past relationships; how they felt with their parents. The fewer unmet emotional needs (UEN's) we have, the more we are able to be interested in our partner's feelings. If I am very needy, for example, I am only thinking of, because I am feeling the pain of, my own unmet emotional needs. It is unlikely I will be able to feel much empathy for my partner when I am hurting myself, since taking care of one's own pain is fundamental to the survival of the species. In evolutionary terms, individual sacrifice seems to make sense only in extreme situations, where life or death of another person or the group is at stake.

Whoever needs the relationship most has the least power in it. Do not depend on your partner for your happiness. Remember that happiness is something you bring into a relationship more than something you get out of it. Be sure you don't confuse loving someone with needing them. Need is based on insecurity and dependency. When you need someone, you believe you can't live without them. When you love someone, you can be happy alone and you can continue to love them even after you are no longer romantic partners.

People don't fight about real issues but about symptoms of their inability to work things out. It is healthy to be sensitive. What is unhealthy is to feel insecure and to be insecure. The secure, sensitive person can feel something and express their feelings without fear of rejection and abandonment. The more sensitive one is, the sooner one can feel it and express it. This has the potential of averting major conflicts down the road.

Stick to the issue. Don't fight old battles or draw in other people.

Don't react passively. Everybody needs feedback. But I would say try to limit your feedback to your feelings and a brief explanation of them, and I would add: Don't label the other person and don’t use general terms…like always..never…be specific about incidents…

Once begun, don't leave the room, except to calm down or take a needed break until you have reached some agreements and you both feel better. [I would say: Try to listen to the other person for as long as it takes till they feel fully expressed, but be aware of your own feelings and take a break if you need it, while giving assurance you will return. Also, don't pressure the other person into continuing the discussion when they have made it clear they need a break. Respect each other's feelings and boundaries during the process. Try to reach compromises, without feeling sacrificial.]

Try to keep a sense of humor, for comic relief, but don't joke around if the other person isn't smiling. [Remember though it is easy to invalidate with humor, even when completely unintentional- especially if other person is feeling hurt, insecure, inadequate, defensive, needy, etc.]

Don't tease, mock, or ridicule the other person (i.e. don't invalidate!!) Find things to agree on, even if you can only agree that you disagree.

Most importantly…put the responsibility of your happiness where it belongs…with you!!!

If you believe that the answer to your happiness lies in someone else’s hands you’re in for a lot of trouble!!! Even if they manage to accommodate you with occasional changes, you’ll come to rely on those for your continued happiness. Eventually you’ll be let down and you will be left feeling discouraged and left feeling helpless and dependent! I’m not saying that our parent’s actions don’t affect us or that you wont be upset if your girlfriend or boyfriend left you by choice or circumstance. When your life isn’t working, you need to make changes to see things differently. There isn’t a relationship good enough to do it for you. This is a very empowering insight. In fact you are making a statement to yourself that while your relationships are a priority, you have the power and the ability to make yourself happy. This means that you are okay when things around you aren’t going so well or when people prove to be human.

You are also taking a great deal of pressure off them, by communicating that you can make mistakes, or that you don’t have to pretend to be in a certain way when you’re with me. When you take responsibility for your happiness, you open the door to new kinds of relationships based on honesty ,responsibility and courage.