Beliefs can be debatable. Feelings are not. Therefore Feelings at most times unite us more than beliefs. We still often indulge in ‘scene stealing’, advising, sending solutions, correcting, grabbing their arm and shaking it when you want your partner to listen, shouting their name over and over again when they are silent.
Be with them in silence. Reach out and intertwine your hand in theirs. Show them that you are there, waiting patiently. Give them time to speak when they are ready. Figure out the reason for their inability to speak. If they are weak and they fall on the ground while talking…don’t ask them to rise…don’t ask them to stop crying. Don’t quip… "We all feel alone sometimes, but ..." because nobody is like them. Our life experiences are unique…they may be similar not the same. Offer a hug.
The best listeners focus on feelings, not facts. When you tell someone that they should not feel the way they do, you are invalidating their feelings. When you try to solve the problem of someone who needs to be heard, they end up feeling underestimated, disempowered, offended, pressured, and controlled. Don’t offer solutions. Just Listen! When they ask you to listen, they may be faltering or depressed but it doesn’t mean they are feeble or helpless. Once you accept the way they feel, they don't need to spend their time and energy trying to defend themselves or convince you, and they can focus on figuring out why they feel the way they do and what they can do about it. The emphasis should be on ending the isolation in the feeling..in the pain. What you think are "irrational feelings" always make sense if you take time to listen and understand your partner. There are some things behind a thin gauze, waiting to emerge. There may be questions grappling for anwers, timid hopes, pain and remorse and apprehension, which is difficult to share. The gleam of a smile, look of pain, occasional nods, eye contact ..can convey more than words. So its essential that you respect the others freedom and encourage without rushing. Understand that some things may never be brought to light
but others may emerge if given time.
3 comments:
"The greatest compliment that was ever paid to me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer" -- Henry David Thoreau
I guess this line conveys it all!!
Nice read! Liked it! Awaiting your next fragment of this lovely topic!
i really like this article.. one of ur best. appeals to me. guess people find it easier to talk to stangers at times, there is no fear of being judged. There is such madness behind those "irrational feelings" one has,and they just need to be calmed down sometimes with a hug that says, its ok ur not alone, and its ok to feel that way even though i dont agree with u and ur not as crazy as u think u are :)
i think its simpler to just love. that itself will make you adapt and accept. bahut ho gaya... thats all.
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